I wasn't seeking God. In fact, it was just the opposite. I had been hiding from Him, as if by covering my eyes, He would cease to exist.
The day came when He slowly moved my hands away from my eyes and took them in His. He said to me, "Would you like to spend your life running from me? You can pretend I'm not here, but that doesn't make me any less real."
It wasn't the judgment of pretending that He wasn't real that made me want to acknowledge Him. It wasn't the threat of hell or suffering that made me not want to let go. It was the quiet love I felt in His hands that would only deepen in time. It was what had always been-- His incredible kindness and promise of friendship-- that made me want to make Him happy.
Bedroom windows open, I stood barefoot and breathed in the smell of summer air when this song began to play on my radio station. It spoke of the Love I had been wanting that I had been seeking in other people. (I did not realize at the time that I would be disappointed again and again, for this high a pedestal is not meant for a person.) Completely reliable, passionate, meaningful Love was beginning to illuminate.
the song that helped me make sense of it
It began as a tiny seed, a small spark, and from there it blossomed and intensified through prayer, carefully reading the Scripture, and learning from others who share this Love.