How often we are angry with ourselves for not being exactly where we want to be in our spiritual lives. At least I know I have desired to be walking with both feet in heaven, still here in this beautiful, imperfect world, longing to be walking with the feet of Jesus, when I really should be kneeling before him. Surrendering myself to God has been the most rewarding decision I have made in my life, and the most difficult one at times. Reading Matthew 18:21-35 this morning reveals to me the place I am walking towards in my life. I will be present to God in each step forward I take to that place of purity.
Ten years after September 11th and I witness myself moving closer to forgiveness, yet there are many spots of sadness and fear in my heart. I remember the blank feeling I had the day of the attacks, the disbelief, the factual journal entry I slowly wrote in my neat handwriting as I sat in my NYC high school classroom, the words devoid of emotion that would only surface later. The anger I thought I was supposed to have came up in a poem I wrote that week, and then dissolved as God walked in, as I realized that the anger wasn't as true as the fear and sadness, the cinders of it still felt today. "And how big is God compared to those cinders?" Today I meditate on this question.
What I realize now is that the gospel wasn't written to keep us lost, but just the opposite-- to allow us to taste true freedom, fearlessness, and confidence. It wasn't written to keep us guilty, but to steady us as we walk beside God who walks beside us and also ahead of us. His forgiveness is large enough to reach us all, all we've done and have failed to do. It gives voice to the thoughts and feelings we may be unable to express. His is the well of forgiveness we draw from; it renews us as we drink a drop from it each day, until the day we meet face to face.